I haven’t written a blog post here in a while. It’s kind of strange. I changed — that’s to be expected. The same old: Everything goes through thousands of folds of death and birth and death and birth. It’s new then old then new then old. Some new things happened. I made a lot of stupid decisions, and I don’t think I can scrub myself clean off it, but I trust time will do it’s slow rinsing. For the meantime, I’ll dip my hands in the river. I know there are some consequences and a million regrets weighing my body right now. I think April pushed my life downhill, and this is the first term holiday I’m carrying my own weight.
I don’t want to be like who I was back then. It feels strange slipping back into this way of life when I had experienced a different way. But then again. Then again, I’m sure a lot of those people who I came across during that different way don’t really remember me much, and even if they did, well, I suppose my stupid actions bear consequences. I just never anticipated how onerous those consequences will grow into the size of a baby on my back.
But it’s hard — carrying these regrets. It’s a part of life. Just that: a part, like a limb, like a lung, like a heart. It’s necessary, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to carry. At least it’s not unnecessary, like the coccyx (ergo: the tailbone). Anyway, I’m learning a lot right now. Words don’t mend everything, but it’s a start. I still feel like a massive mess inside, and everything that happened still disgusts me and I’m forced to contend the question: How can you even live with yourself? everyday. But I have to. I need to.
Of course, silly scenarios like, shit, what if this comes back to me in the future? What if my past comes back to bite my back? What-if’s cluster my already cluttered mind and I don’t know where to put down all of this weight. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve already seeked God. But, I must live. What else can I do? People like me have probably done worse things. Teenagers do terrible things, embarrassing things, regretful things. That’s simply within my nature. I don’t mean to dismiss anything I’ve done with futile and frail excuses, but it’s a little reminder, I suppose. I suppose. I suppose.
Anyway, I’m watching the kdrama twenty five twenty one right now, and it’s such a lovely series. The age gap got me raising my brow my miles, because it reminded me of something in the past. But, it was pure and it was messy in all of the right ways. Maybe I should write about it if I have time.
I’m trying to cling onto myself now. I’m trying to cling on.
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