and i sit on the curb cause it's the prettiest night, with no one else in sight

SEE WHAT HAPPENS. THIS IS A QUOTE THAT I SEEM TO LIVE MY LIFE BY, AND I DIDN’T REALLY REALISE IT UNTIL NOW. IT IS 8:56AM. 

I APOLOGISE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU HATE ALL-CAPS, BUT I HATE ALL-CAPS TOO, AND I HATE WRITING SOMETIMES, TOO, SO MAYBE IT CHECKS OUT. I WROTE A FEW MONTHS AGO ABOUT HOW WRITING IS SOMETHING LIKE BEING SOFT ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE TO STAY, AND ROUGH ENOUGH THAT YOUR WORDS WILL CALCIFY INTO MILK-ROT TEETH AND SINK ITS JAWS INTO ITS READERS FLESH. I HAVEN’T BEEN SOFT AT ALL LATELY, SO THIS WILL SUFFICE. I DON’T MEAN TO HURT YOU. I ONLY MEAN FOR YOU TO STAY. 

I AM PLANNING TO GO TO THE LIBRARY TODAY. I HAVE NOT STUDIED PROPERLY FOR THE PAST WEEK, AND I FEEL LIKE A VESSEL. KNOWLEDGE, I KNOW, IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME ALIVE WHICH THEREFORE MEANS LOVE IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER.

I HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING TO GOD LATELY, BUT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING UP AT THE SKY A LOT MORE. ON THURSDAY, I WATCHED THE SUNSET WITH MY FRIEND BY THE PORT AND THE SKY WAS STRANGE AND WEIRD, BUT IT WAS PRETTY AND IT LOOKED LIKE THE SKY LEAKED OF PEACHES. LIKE GOD HAD PEELED PEACHES, AND ITS JUICES WERE DRIPPING FROM HIS FINGERS BECAUSE MAYBE EVEN GOD IS MESSY AND MAKES MISTAKES. 

WITHIN THIS OSMOSIS, MY FRIEND ASKED ME WHAT I WAS THINKING. FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT DAY, I DON’T THINK I WAS THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING. NOT ABOUT THE HORRORS THAT WAIT FOR ME IN MY SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECT MESSAGES, NOT THE FACT THE WEATHER IS WEIRD AS HELL, OR MY UNCLEAN ROOM THAT STILL HOLDS THE CORPSE AND ASHES OF THE PAST VERSIONS OF ME THAT I HAVE FAILED TO HAUL OUT, OR — I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. BUT I WAS NOT THINKING, AND THAT NIGHT, I RETURNED HOME IN THE DARK, RETURNING HOME THROUGH THE FRESH NIGHT THAT HAD DAWNED AS QUICKLY AS IT HAD DISSOLVED THAT MORNING. 

I DON’T KNOW WHY I AM WRITING RIGHT NOW. I GAVE UP ON MY NEWSLETTER AGES AGO BECAUSE I HATED HOW I WAS AWARE OF WHO WAS STAYING AND WHO WAS NOT, SO THIS BLOG WILL BE GOOD TO ME BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I AM UNAWARE OF WHO STAYS AND WHO DOES NOT. SO EVEN IF YOU CANNOT COMMENT AND YOU STAYED, WHETHER I WAS SOFT OR ROUGH ENOUGH FOR YOU TO DO SO, I THANK YOU. I HOPETHAT MY WORDS REACH OUT TO YOU, IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. 

STAY SAFE AND WELL. AND THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU. 

Art is honesty, and honesty is love, and love is a life well-lived.

There are moments in this world in which I forget that I am in it. I always look at the sky and it is not how I imagine it to be, nor is it exactly how I remember it last time. But I know that it is the sky, because of how it is April, now, and come May, I will be deep in my sweet sixteens. But I haven’t been feeling all that sweet. I don’t think I am a sweet person. I am tough on the edges and sour everywhere else if you squeeze me enough from my torpor of sadness. 

I repulse at the tiniest things, the small things (figuratively and quite literally), and sometimes I get so swept away by it that I forget to look up at the overwhelming blue. I read somewhere on twitter in which one of my favourite writers quoted that “blue is love” and never have I agreed more to a statement. I forget how much love there is in this world, that we quite literally inhale the sky above us, how it keeps us alive and cradles this flawed world like a babe. 

I told my friend with the heart of the world in my palms, that sometimes, the way that I see the world can be beautiful. I tilt my head as much as I can to see it sideways, in the way the world works. I always take a wooden spoon to carve out some part of my day to write, because this is what I stay alive for. Even if my words are always unspooling like untamed yarn, my hands are burning with crushed stars. Even if these no-good words are always liquid. Even if it falls through me like rain, like a July downpour. Even if I cling to this fleeting feeling against my bones, knowing that it will go like it always has and always will. 

It’s been raining a lot more lately, but it’s been raining regardless of the margins of the seasons here. The world is truly broken with a bleeding heart, like a trembling, lonely mother. The oceans are rising and it rains in summer. An August without him is coming, and I know that it will be strange, not sad. 

I’m trying really hard to be good, to love the world as I should. To find gratitude, not greed. To take my vulnerabilities and accept them for as it is. 

Yes. The sky is not blue today, it is raining today, and I am ruined and worn. But truthfully, this world can be beautiful, sometimes. It can be beautiful. 

____

Music that I adore and have been going cuckoo bananas over lately.

Northern Downpour by Panic! At the Disco.

This song specifically means so much heart to me due to how much it reminds me of July and August of 2022, of finding a way outside of isolation, of reaching out a hand. The lyrics are so warm, despite the title of "downpour". It's a song that reminds me of renewal and rebirth. It's autumn. Winter will whirl in with ease.

Like Real People Do by Hozier.

God, I love love songs, tender ones, specifically, because although I am aromantic and asexual, this is how I imagine love to be. To be vulnerable, to try my hardest to soften all of my harsh edges. Hozier songs sound so much like sweet summer sixteen.

My Lie by Zolik (Your Lie in April Intstrumental).

Your Lie in April never fails to remind me what I live for and why I make art. I love this show so much, and it's never never going to fail to make me cry and rethink my life choices and how I live in this world. And I don't think it's even the end of mortality at the completion of the narrative as we are shown. It's about mothers, of moving on, of spring, of first, adolescent love and learning to love the world despite, despite, despite. And I think that that is so wonderful. This instrumental specifically makes me heart wrench and my lungs tight but in the way that I am embracing this life that I have so tightly, I feel like I could cry.

BSD 105 thoughts

 MY THOUGHTS ON BSD CHAPTER 105

[REPOST FROM THE ACRHIVES, JANUARY 6 2023]

The newest chapter released only a day ago and I know by now that releasing something is going to be considered late but it takes me a while to wrap my head around things so I’m approaching this chapter now with the intent on reifying and grounding my thoughts regarding it. If you have anything else to add on and etc, I would enjoy reading it. My thoughts are very whimsy and I believe that how I interpret things is pretty loose, but solidifying it helps concrete everything for me so I am able to process more of the nooks and crannies of BSD content. 

The quality of the chapter despite the paucity of pages we received:

I’m impressed with Asagiri and Harukawa’s writing abilities to compact a considerable amount of details within perhaps the shortest chapter released within the franchise. I don’t have much to comment on it, however, considering that I am writing something out like this should speak within itself. So many layers and I’m looking forward to how this chapter will serve for the snowball of events I am expecting to come. (And an out of topic comment, I wonder how the Haikyuu fandom dealt with their monthly chapters. I read somewhere in which they were waiting every month for a singular receive? Man.)

Atsushi’s Hallucinations: 

[First and foremost, Atsushi. You need help. Here we have Atsushi having a complete mental breakdown and then we cut to Dazai and Sigma playing silly rounds of paper, scissors, rock. While I do appreciate and find it wonderful that Atsushi’s hallucinations are shifting from the orphanage director who abused him to Dazai, having hallucinations is still not exactly healthy! Anyways.]

One can interpret Atsushi’s sequence as two different things—whether this is Atsushi assorting through his external environments plethora of possible decisions or in an overwhelming influx of such that it’s less of him thinking of these possible decisions, but rather, a degrading chastisement with the paranoia of disappointing those around him and of being judged. For this thought dump, I’m going to be preening through these two possibilities and leave it up for personal preference of interpretations as I haven’t really thought about it any further to come to a solid conclusion behind the scene itself. I am open to any thoughts, objections, or anything please don’t consider this as a solid analysis LOL. 

The variety of characters featured within this chapter coming to Atsushi in characteristic advice is striking with the seemingly random appearance of Fitzgerald, however I would like to believe that this is a sign of growth for Atsushi’s character, despite how miniscule it may appear at first. This variety of seemingly out-of-nowhere characters (in order: Ranpo, Kunikida, Kyouka, and Fitzgerald) reminds us of the detail in his character that he is still learning how to think on his own, rather than having morals and decisions established and preset for him. Perhaps this could also stem from his fear of disappointing others and his lack of self-development, therefore, his reliance on other people as it would at least give him the security of structure. 

A human trait we do is copy and absorb, whether it be in the form of donning traits from parental figures, friends, our environment, etc, learning how to evaluate how we arrive at certain decisions. While everyone critically assorts through various conclusions and frameworks of thought borrowed from our objective relations to a rudimental degree, it’s especially imperative for Atsushi’s character development in order to flourish from his black-and-white morals that have been beaten into him by his abusive orphanage director. In this arc, instead of having the decisions and morals chosen and concreted for him, Atsushi has been isolated from the rest of the cast—ultimately stripping him of the structure of other people and completely bare on his own. Therefore, if this possibility is proven true, this organisation and evaluation of thoughts help give him more structure and certainty in his personal decision making in the long run.

Though, regardless of whether this scene was this or that, it’s good to perceive this arc as one that has been challenging Atsushi’s schism-like morals; tracing back to when Nikolai explained the genesis behind the reason as to why he kills at the beginning of the arc; learning and adapting to live in a realm of a grey-reality. It’s just a matter of time to see how the following events will impact Atsushi and how he continues to grow throughout the rest of this narrative.

I would also like to bring attention to Akutagawa’s hallucination serving as a state of clairvoyance, paired with Dazai, with the simple instructions to ‘Go Outside’ (memes aside). Akutagawa appearing to Atsushi, and not coming forward as the volatile murder-on-my-mind Akutagawa in which Atsushi perceives, could serve as a resemblance for the subtle shift of perspective on Akutagawa. And perhaps Akutagawa appearing after Fitzgerald’s hallucination is resemblance of shinsokokou’s first villain in which they took down as a team. I have not really expanded my thoughts on this sends tweet. 

Dazai’s transparent behaviour with Sigma: 

In contrast to perhaps the pinnacle of Atsushi’s decision making (or maybe the first of many to come) in the previous panels, the chapter cuts to Dazai and Sigma playing rounds of paper, scissors, rock where poor Sigma keeps failing to win. Meanwhile, in the unforeseen background, Chuuya and Fyodor are drowning. Nikolai’s location remains unknown. Lovely. While it is a rather more calm situation than we expected, there are still enough tid-bids to pick here and there to develop some thoughts on. 

Once Dazai reveals that the game is no more than silly little ordinary tricks of time and tension, Sigma comedically (and rightfully lol) comments how they are glad that Dazai is not a guest at their casino (we adore you, Sigma. Number one priorities while Dazai is trying to hint his true intentions! [Affectionate]).  

Dazai’s transparency and semi-candidness with Sigma—or rather, tracing back to when Dazai chose Sigma as his ‘weapon’ for the prison game, really—has been intriguing me since. This entire section has allowed me into a spiral of the intangibility of Dazai’s character, however, that…discussion is for another day.

Considering Dazai’s style of manipulation (if you will), it’s a plausible probability that Dazai is going to utilise Sigma for a bigger-picture-plan that is yet to be revealed to us while simultaneously offering Sigma the chance to make a choice. In retrospect to Dazai’s previous techniques, in comparison to Fyodor, he always offers a sense of free will and individuality. While Dazai is highly likely doing some kind of manipulation tactic paired with this, it’s still a valid detail to take note of when contrasting the differences and similarities between Dazai and Fyodor. I had to reread a couple of general Dazai analyses posts throughout the internet to confirm my thoughts, and I do agree with the aspect that his style of strategy is a mixture of gambling (bearing similarities to Fyodor and Mori, a reflection of his days in the Mafia) as well as a lackadaisical-esque ‘trust’ (and if we are perceptive enough, trust is akin to gambling, really) in those around him to execute his plan which is simply his innate preference in terms of planning and strategizing.  If we compare Dazai to Fyodor, Dazai has a very human approach to his style of manipulation, which brings me to my next point that Dazai will offer Sigma free will concerning in action with the opposition of The Decay of Angels, Fyodor, and their goal of wiping out all ability users.

What I am looking forward to, if this possibility proves true, is seeing how Sigma would react and come to a decision through this decision, as Chuuya had once quoted that you cannot necessarily decline Dazai in those kinds of situations (I will look for this specific quote and return to this little post once I rekindle with BSD in its entirety). And perhaps a little bit of a stretch, but I won’t be surprised or taken aback either if Dazai is also intent on recruiting Sigma into the Armed Detective Agency, as he is resembling someone who is in need of saving in one way or another, therefore executing a sort of ‘killing two birds with one stone’ strategy because that is Dazai—the current Dazai who still carries the downpour of his Mafia days as well as the light leak of influence from Oda who took him by his shoulders and perceived him as no more than a human beneath Dazai’s Demon Prodigy persona.

It’s no doubt that Dazai and Fyodor were posed as foils ever since the two were introduced—right down to the colour palette of their character designs and their relationship being a direct reference to the conversation between Horiki and Yozo in No Longer Human in which Yozo comments on Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment. With that literary detail in mind, it would be interesting if how Dazai perceives Sigma contrasts to Fyodor’s perception of Sigma, as well. I have not looked too much into this, but I will perhaps come back with a few extra thoughts to offer in addition to this possibility.