There are moments in this world in which I forget that I am in it. I always look at the sky and it is not how I imagine it to be, nor is it exactly how I remember it last time. But I know that it is the sky, because of how it is April, now, and come May, I will be deep in my sweet sixteens. But I haven’t been feeling all that sweet. I don’t think I am a sweet person. I am tough on the edges and sour everywhere else if you squeeze me enough from my torpor of sadness.
I repulse at the tiniest things, the small things (figuratively and quite literally), and sometimes I get so swept away by it that I forget to look up at the overwhelming blue. I read somewhere on twitter in which one of my favourite writers quoted that “blue is love” and never have I agreed more to a statement. I forget how much love there is in this world, that we quite literally inhale the sky above us, how it keeps us alive and cradles this flawed world like a babe.
I told my friend with the heart of the world in my palms, that sometimes, the way that I see the world can be beautiful. I tilt my head as much as I can to see it sideways, in the way the world works. I always take a wooden spoon to carve out some part of my day to write, because this is what I stay alive for. Even if my words are always unspooling like untamed yarn, my hands are burning with crushed stars. Even if these no-good words are always liquid. Even if it falls through me like rain, like a July downpour. Even if I cling to this fleeting feeling against my bones, knowing that it will go like it always has and always will.
It’s been raining a lot more lately, but it’s been raining regardless of the margins of the seasons here. The world is truly broken with a bleeding heart, like a trembling, lonely mother. The oceans are rising and it rains in summer. An August without him is coming, and I know that it will be strange, not sad.
I’m trying really hard to be good, to love the world as I should. To find gratitude, not greed. To take my vulnerabilities and accept them for as it is.
Yes. The sky is not blue today, it is raining today, and I am ruined and worn. But truthfully, this world can be beautiful, sometimes. It can be beautiful.
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Music that I adore and have been going cuckoo bananas over lately.
Northern Downpour by Panic! At the Disco.
This song specifically means so much heart to me due to how much it reminds me of July and August of 2022, of finding a way outside of isolation, of reaching out a hand. The lyrics are so warm, despite the title of "downpour". It's a song that reminds me of renewal and rebirth. It's autumn. Winter will whirl in with ease.
Like Real People Do by Hozier.
God, I love love songs, tender ones, specifically, because although I am aromantic and asexual, this is how I imagine love to be. To be vulnerable, to try my hardest to soften all of my harsh edges. Hozier songs sound so much like sweet summer sixteen.
My Lie by Zolik (Your Lie in April Intstrumental).
Your Lie in April never fails to remind me what I live for and why I make art. I love this show so much, and it's never never going to fail to make me cry and rethink my life choices and how I live in this world. And I don't think it's even the end of mortality at the completion of the narrative as we are shown. It's about mothers, of moving on, of spring, of first, adolescent love and learning to love the world despite, despite, despite. And I think that that is so wonderful. This instrumental specifically makes me heart wrench and my lungs tight but in the way that I am embracing this life that I have so tightly, I feel like I could cry.
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