and i sit on the curb cause it's the prettiest night, with no one else in sight

SEE WHAT HAPPENS. THIS IS A QUOTE THAT I SEEM TO LIVE MY LIFE BY, AND I DIDN’T REALLY REALISE IT UNTIL NOW. IT IS 8:56AM. 

I APOLOGISE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU HATE ALL-CAPS, BUT I HATE ALL-CAPS TOO, AND I HATE WRITING SOMETIMES, TOO, SO MAYBE IT CHECKS OUT. I WROTE A FEW MONTHS AGO ABOUT HOW WRITING IS SOMETHING LIKE BEING SOFT ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE TO STAY, AND ROUGH ENOUGH THAT YOUR WORDS WILL CALCIFY INTO MILK-ROT TEETH AND SINK ITS JAWS INTO ITS READERS FLESH. I HAVEN’T BEEN SOFT AT ALL LATELY, SO THIS WILL SUFFICE. I DON’T MEAN TO HURT YOU. I ONLY MEAN FOR YOU TO STAY. 

I AM PLANNING TO GO TO THE LIBRARY TODAY. I HAVE NOT STUDIED PROPERLY FOR THE PAST WEEK, AND I FEEL LIKE A VESSEL. KNOWLEDGE, I KNOW, IS THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME ALIVE WHICH THEREFORE MEANS LOVE IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER.

I HAVEN’T BEEN TALKING TO GOD LATELY, BUT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING UP AT THE SKY A LOT MORE. ON THURSDAY, I WATCHED THE SUNSET WITH MY FRIEND BY THE PORT AND THE SKY WAS STRANGE AND WEIRD, BUT IT WAS PRETTY AND IT LOOKED LIKE THE SKY LEAKED OF PEACHES. LIKE GOD HAD PEELED PEACHES, AND ITS JUICES WERE DRIPPING FROM HIS FINGERS BECAUSE MAYBE EVEN GOD IS MESSY AND MAKES MISTAKES. 

WITHIN THIS OSMOSIS, MY FRIEND ASKED ME WHAT I WAS THINKING. FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT DAY, I DON’T THINK I WAS THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING. NOT ABOUT THE HORRORS THAT WAIT FOR ME IN MY SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECT MESSAGES, NOT THE FACT THE WEATHER IS WEIRD AS HELL, OR MY UNCLEAN ROOM THAT STILL HOLDS THE CORPSE AND ASHES OF THE PAST VERSIONS OF ME THAT I HAVE FAILED TO HAUL OUT, OR — I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T KNOW. BUT I WAS NOT THINKING, AND THAT NIGHT, I RETURNED HOME IN THE DARK, RETURNING HOME THROUGH THE FRESH NIGHT THAT HAD DAWNED AS QUICKLY AS IT HAD DISSOLVED THAT MORNING. 

I DON’T KNOW WHY I AM WRITING RIGHT NOW. I GAVE UP ON MY NEWSLETTER AGES AGO BECAUSE I HATED HOW I WAS AWARE OF WHO WAS STAYING AND WHO WAS NOT, SO THIS BLOG WILL BE GOOD TO ME BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I AM UNAWARE OF WHO STAYS AND WHO DOES NOT. SO EVEN IF YOU CANNOT COMMENT AND YOU STAYED, WHETHER I WAS SOFT OR ROUGH ENOUGH FOR YOU TO DO SO, I THANK YOU. I HOPETHAT MY WORDS REACH OUT TO YOU, IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. 

STAY SAFE AND WELL. AND THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU.